Singingmama's Blog

And now on to part II.  Back in the late nineties three single, professional men got together to write a book that exposed mens’ desires in women and explained some of the things that baffle women in the dating world.  They first published it in 2000, and released a reprint in 2002.  This sounds like a great idea right?

Unfortunately as I read the book I found myself frustrated with men, these men in particular, and what it appears they’re telling us women to do to snag a man and keep him.  Men continually complain about women “playing games.”  Go to any dating website and read profiles.  You’ll see.  It’s one of the chief complaints.

However, after reading this book, I feel like the authors are telling me women MUST play games in order to keep her man at her side.  I would like to think I could just be an honest woman, follow my heart, and act in a manner that is natural to me.  However, it seems to me that the authors (Gerstman, Pizzo, and Seldes) are telling me that instead of asking a man to understand a woman’s thinking and heart as I am trying to understand his, I must cater to him, which means I have to play the game.

The authors are definitely correct in the assertion that men and women just get their signals crossed.  We just don’t think or communicate in the say ways.  I appreciate the way they honestly tell you what goes through a man’s head.  Unfortunately, what goes through their heads makes me madder than a hornet.

Do you want the nun or the wanton?

Take, for example, fact three from chapter two, Ten Facts About Men. The authors state that men are turned off by women who play hard to get.  However, in chapter eight, cleverly titled Sex, the authors seemingly contradict themselves by sharing that a woman who gives it up too soon sabotages herself, because for a woman to be wife-material, she can’t be slutty.  So what is it gentlemen?  Do we hold off on the sex or not?  If we hold off, then exactly how long is long enough?  What is too long?  I’m confused.  You guys didn’t make this at all clear for us ladies.

Fact number four makes my blood boil.  “Men will take advantage of women who let them.”   The authors assert that most, if not all men, are happy to keep you around as a “good for now” kind of girl until “something better” comes along.   So maybe this is true and we need to be on the lookout for warning signs that we’re being used.  However it really gets under my skin that we’re supposed to accept this is just the way men are and deal with it.  Is it really too much to ask a man to have a sound moral compass.  To ask him to treat women with respect even if they obviously aren’t “wife-material”?

Fact number seven is the best–mens’ natural inclination is to have sex with many women.  The authors claim that a man will “spread his seed” unless held in check by something, whether it be religion or a vow made to another (like marriage).  They acknowledge that it’s ugly, but state it to be the truth and claim as well that many men would definitely be unfaithful if they knew they could get away with it  They say that men will run after pleasure wherever they can find it, and are completely unapologetic about the double standard that a woman doing the same makes her unmarriageable.

Now, many parts of this book are very helpful in regards to understanding a man’s nature.  I prefer the way John Gray approaches some of the same ideas in his Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus books, because he doesn’t excuse a man’s (or a woman’s) behavior as attributed to his nature.  He does however help a person explore the different ways in which men and women approach the world.

The What Men Want men aren’t all bad.  I appreciate the way they give you some clues as to how to recognize when someone is taking advantage of you.  I suppose I just detest the apparent truth about men they expose.  Honestly, I feel like men should be offended too.  Are you really all like that?  Is it like Joseph Conrad’s Heart of Darkness, in which the story explores the question of how poorly people will treat others when there is nothing to govern them?

Maybe I’m just an eternal optimist, but frankly I’d like to think that men (and women) can have a moral compass without necessarily having religion or something else to keep them in check.  Am I wrong to believe that people are generally good at heart?  Perhaps so.  To the men out there, I’d like to believe that there are good ones out there and that you’re not all operating on the animalistic ideas that What Men Wants seems to say that you are.

So you tell me.  Am I wrong to expect more in the hearts of men?  Once again, I’ve blathered on too much and will add yet another part to this post.  Trilogies are more fun anyway!

Fat or skinny, failure is something with which I'm just not okay.

Failure isn’t defined by a lack of success at any given effort, rather by that time when you decide to stop trying.  At least that’s what I’ve always believed. 

But is quitting something, or at least the way in which you’re doing something, always synonymous with failure?  I suppose by definition if you fail to succeed and gain the results you were seeking, then you have indeed failed.  Then the question becomes, is that necessarily a bad thing?  Or is failure really just a matter of perspective? 

When I start to feel pretty down about my own life, I’ve found that reading some of Thomas Edison’s words can be quite inspiring. As someone whos is viewed as a great success given his achievements in invention in the 19th century in such as the lightbulb, the phonograph, and the first motion picture camera, just to name a few. 

He once said, “I find out what the world needs, and then I go ahead and invent it.”  I love the way he makes it sound as simple as that, and perhaps for someone of his genius it was, but I don’t think so.  This is also the man who emphesized over and over again that hard work is what really gains success.  In one famous quote, he said, “Genius is 1% inspiration, and 99% perspiration.” 

Have you ever had someone say to someone else, “Gosh, I just don’t know how you do it?” in regards to a person who has a tough time and keeps on trucking?  To them I think Edison might say again, “If we did all the things we are capable of doing, we would literally astound ourselves.”  I’ve found that to be true.  People who seem superhuman aren’t really super.  They’re just people who work hard and don’t quit trying.  Again the connection here seems to be hard work, something to which these days many people seem averse.  However, reading through some Edison, people were just as averse to hard work two centuries ago as they are today.  Edison said, “Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.” 

I wish at the end of my rope I found a really cute kitten...

Very few things are certain in life, save for death and taxes, as they say.  One thing that is absolutely true in addition, is that if you quit you can’t succeed. 

This doesn’t mean that you can’t regroup and redirect.  This doesn’t mean you can’t try a different method.  But completely changing course, well I guess to me, that means quitting.  And the more I write, the more I come to understand that quitting does equal failure.  However, you don’t fail UNTIL you quit.  So as long as a person keeps trudging forth, success is looming out there somewhere.  

From an optimistic prospective, in one of his most famous quotes (though often quoted in some different variation), Edison said, ”I have not failed; I’ve just found 10,000 ways that don’t work.”  So instead of referring to our small losses as failures, why don’t we instead call them setbacks, or even better, learning experiences.  Each time I interview for a job I don’t get (AGAIN), or attempt a new recipe, or don’t clean my house when I said I was going to do so, instead of calling that a failure, I should rather call it a learning experience to make the next interview better, or a good way not to make meatballs, or quality time spent with my son (instead of cleaning the house).  None of those things are failures are they?

In closing, I think I’ll remind myself (and that’s really what this blog as been…a pep talk to myself), that minor daily setbacks do not equal failure, because the larger life goal remains the same.  It is only when I give up on that larger goal that I have truly failed.  To make myself feel even better, I’ll leave us with a favorite line from Sir Winston Churchhill:

Never give in–never, never, never, never–in nothing great or small, large or petty, never give in except to convictions of honor and good sense.  Never yield to force.  Never yield to the apparently overpowering might of the enemy.

Accident waiting to happen!

Boys must be bloody stitches and noses, leading moms to psychosis. 

So my boy had his first bloody nose this weekend.  I say first, because he’s fearless and a real wild man, so I expect it will not be his first bloody injury.  However, I imagine other parents out there can understand why I cried about it longer than he did.  Those five minutes that nose bled were probably some of the most terrifying of my life.  Is there internal damage?  What if it doesn’t stop bleeding?  Will we have to go to the emergency room (because you know accidents never happen during doctors business hours)?  How could this have happened?  I was right there with him!

My wild man was in the bathtub, where of course I never leave his side.  Unfortunately, he seems to think standing and walking in the bathtub are part of the splashing fun.  I even had a grib on his arm, telling him we needed to sit on our bottoms in the bathtub because standing isn’t safe.  What happens?  Grandma and grandpa’s bathtub doesn’t have a bathtub (something I assure you will be immediately rectified) and in Mr. Independent’s stubborn efforts to get away from mom and do what he wants, he slips and falls, knocking his face on the side of the tub coming down.  It happened so fast, and yet the incident keeps replaying in slow motion in my mind.

I give myself the award for that moment Sunday night.

I can’t help but to feel a little bit of a failure.  I know accidents happen, but as his only parent, it is my job to keep him safe, and in that moment, I couldn’t.  It is a helpless feeling.  And I know I’m completely overreacting.  This is surely not the worst, or the last, accident he will have, but it was terrifying nonetheless.

Really I think my overreaction about this small nosebleed is perhaps symptomatic of the massive sense of responsibility that being a parent implies, particularly for a single parent, who doesn’t have that additional support.  The magnitude of the role is overwhelming at times.  There is a wonderful person who is entirely dependent upon me for his needs and safety.  That’s a heavy load.  And it’s one that all parents carry, single or otherwise. 

As parents, we have the most important job in the world.  Not only are we responsible for meeting the basic needs of our children–food, shelter, clothing– but we provide them with love and emotional nourishment as well.  We all know that trauma from childhood can leave deep scars and carry well into adulthood and throughout our lives.  How can we, as parents, avoid wounding our children so? 

My little guy won’t remember this nosebleed.  He forgot it about ten minutes after it happened.  He nursed and cuddled with mommy and all was good in his world.  If only life were that simple for the rest of us.  As traumatic as that was, I know what is most important in his life, is to make sure he is loved and nurtured.  If that means leaving the housework and neglecting homework, then so be it.  I often say that he is the best thing I’ve ever done.  And I mean it.  I worry every day about how I am going to explain his father’s dessertion to him without him feeling rejected and abandoned.  And I don’t know the answers yet.  All I can do is love him. 

You can't quite hug them tight enough...

Finally I know what it means to love someone so much hurts…to love someone more than life itself.  There really aren’t words appropriate to describe a mother’s love for her child.