How do I know I still have it?  Someone asked me out for drinks today!  The sad thing is that it has been so long since this phenomenon has occurred that I completely missed the invite until I’d already inadvertently turned it down.  Alas, I don’t have time for socializing anyway.  Bedtime comes early when you have a toddler, and bars are killer on the voice.  Plus, people usually frown on taking babies to such establishments.  Who knew?

Even with nothing comes from such an experience, it sure is nice to feel wanted from time to time.  It doesn’t do anything to hurt your self-esteem when it happens when you are slumming in yoga pants, a loose green tank-t0p, and a mismatched scarf wrapped around your head, while you’re taking out the trash.  Thanks handsome young carpet installer for making my day and reminding me that I’m still one hot singing mama!

Unfortunately as I read the book I found myself frustrated with men, these men in particular, and what it appears they’re telling us women to do to snag a man and keep him.  Men continually complain about women “playing games.”  Go to any dating website and read profiles.  You’ll see.  It’s one of the chief complaints.

However, after reading this book, I feel like the authors are telling me women MUST play games in order to keep her man at her side.  I would like to think I could just be an honest woman, follow my heart, and act in a manner that is natural to me.  However, it seems to me that the authors (Gerstman, Pizzo, and Seldes) are telling me that instead of asking a man to understand a woman’s thinking and heart as I am trying to understand his, I must cater to him, which means I have to play the game.

The authors are definitely correct in the assertion that men and women just get their signals crossed.  We just don’t think or communicate in the say ways.  I appreciate the way they honestly tell you what goes through a man’s head.  Unfortunately, what goes through their heads makes me madder than a hornet.

Do you want the nun or the wanton?

Take, for example, fact three from chapter two, Ten Facts About Men. The authors state that men are turned off by women who play hard to get.  However, in chapter eight, cleverly titled Sex, the authors seemingly contradict themselves by sharing that a woman who gives it up too soon sabotages herself, because for a woman to be wife-material, she can’t be slutty.  So what is it gentlemen?  Do we hold off on the sex or not?  If we hold off, then exactly how long is long enough?  What is too long?  I’m confused.  You guys didn’t make this at all clear for us ladies.

Fact number four makes my blood boil.  “Men will take advantage of women who let them.”   The authors assert that most, if not all men, are happy to keep you around as a “good for now” kind of girl until “something better” comes along.   So maybe this is true and we need to be on the lookout for warning signs that we’re being used.  However it really gets under my skin that we’re supposed to accept this is just the way men are and deal with it.  Is it really too much to ask a man to have a sound moral compass.  To ask him to treat women with respect even if they obviously aren’t “wife-material”?

Fact number seven is the best–mens’ natural inclination is to have sex with many women.  The authors claim that a man will “spread his seed” unless held in check by something, whether it be religion or a vow made to another (like marriage).  They acknowledge that it’s ugly, but state it to be the truth and claim as well that many men would definitely be unfaithful if they knew they could get away with it  They say that men will run after pleasure wherever they can find it, and are completely unapologetic about the double standard that a woman doing the same makes her unmarriageable.

Now, many parts of this book are very helpful in regards to understanding a man’s nature.  I prefer the way John Gray approaches some of the same ideas in his Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus books, because he doesn’t excuse a man’s (or a woman’s) behavior as attributed to his nature.  He does however help a person explore the different ways in which men and women approach the world.

The What Men Want men aren’t all bad.  I appreciate the way they give you some clues as to how to recognize when someone is taking advantage of you.  I suppose I just detest the apparent truth about men they expose.  Honestly, I feel like men should be offended too.  Are you really all like that?  Is it like Joseph Conrad’s Heart of Darkness, in which the story explores the question of how poorly people will treat others when there is nothing to govern them?

Maybe I’m just an eternal optimist, but frankly I’d like to think that men (and women) can have a moral compass without necessarily having religion or something else to keep them in check.  Am I wrong to believe that people are generally good at heart?  Perhaps so.  To the men out there, I’d like to believe that there are good ones out there and that you’re not all operating on the animalistic ideas that What Men Wants seems to say that you are.

So you tell me.  Am I wrong to expect more in the hearts of men?  Once again, I’ve blathered on too much and will add yet another part to this post.  Trilogies are more fun anyway!

At least this one is transparent!

The past couple of years have opened my eyes to many things as I struggle as a single mom with my little guy and the continued lack of any paternal support.  I’ve been to many places for resources to which I have never gone before.  I have never attempted to pick up men at these locations, but men have at times tried to pick me up at them, which on most occasions I found anywhere from exasperating to hilarious.

Word to the wise: do not, I repeat, DO NOT go looking for dates at the following locations!

1. The welfare office.  Oops.  Sorry.  It’s called the Department of Job and Family Services Opportunity Center.  Some places just call it the DHHR–Department of Health and Human Resources.  Whatever the name, this is absolutely not the place to pick up successful, stable men.  Furthermore, what kind of single man needs to be at the welfare office?
2. The plasma donation clinic.  After losing my job this summer, I found I was desperate enough that $30 dollars per donation was a significant contribution to my income.  That pays the phone bill.  However, the regulars at the plasma clinic are some interesting characters.  Your best bet is to dress down and try to blend in with the natives.  You should probably also do something to numb your sense of smell before you go.
3. The unemployment line.  There’s no shame in getting downsized in a bad economy, and certainly no shame in using your unemployment.  You’ve been paying into it.   However, for a woman who wants to have a serious long-term relationship that leads to marriage and children, this is probably not your best bet for finding a man who has a secure career at the moment.  Maybe you can just meet friends who like to participate in free activities with you at this one.
4. The bar.  Is there a chance you’ll meet a normal guy who’s out there hunting for a decent gal like you?  Yes.  However, in my experience those are few and they get drowned in a sea of budding alcoholics who are out to try to find an easy lay.  I’ve always said you never can be too surprised when a fellow you meet at a bar ends up spending all his money partying and drinks far too much.  Of course this is all moot for me, because I never have time to go to bars.  People really frown on taking babies there.

So proceed at your own risk and don’t say I didn’t warn you!

Also, I have been reading this book called “What Men Want.”  The book is highly acclaimed, though about ten years old, and I think it’s probably still fairly current in terms of how men think.  The problem is that it made me so angry I haven’t even finished it yet.  Is that REALLY what men think?  I’ll share some aspects of it below and you can tell me.  I’ll also share some insight on how women think.

Finally, this subject is near and dear to me at the moment because I’m in the dating pool right now myself, and that search is complicated by this single mother business.  I would also love to hear some honest feedback from men about how they feel about seriously dating single moms.

I’ll start with the unbelievable clip first.  This little mp3 blurb was submitted to her local radio station by a gal named Olga.  She (foolishly in my opinion) gave this guy Dimitri her business card when he approached her one day just to get him to leave her alone then.  I think this guy may have a personality disorder and it was probably mean to send it to the radio, but this guy is pretty off the chart!  This is just one more reason that the dating game is one people are tempted not to play. Check out this self-described catch.

Dating is exhausting.  The aforementioned Dimitri is just one more example of the kind of weirdos you encounter.  Woops.  I misspoke.  He’s actually one of the few normal people, or so he says.  Whew.  At least Dimitri is one of the easier weirdos to weed out of the dating pool.  Other people are smoother–they hide their true natures and string you along a while.

It baffles me as to why people try to sustain relationships without really being who they are.  Take for example one of my college boyfriends.  When I met him he seemed pretty normal.  He had a degree, worked a job, and listened to pop/R&B music.  As the relationship progressed and he became more comfortable with me, his true colors began to show.  Turns out the guy was a closet racist and a bigot.  I am an open book, with my likes and dislikes fairly obvious for the world to see, and free to share my thoughts with others.  So why in a million years did he think we would remain compatible.  I was raised a Catholic and actively practiced at the time.  I found out later he thought Catholics were going to hell because they weren’t real Christians.  Why in the world would he pursue a relationship with me?

Sometimes I think people see in someone else the reflection of the person they want to be.  I am pretty half glass full kind of gal and I try to see the best in people, but maybe I should stop doing that.  Making someone want to be  a better man hasn’t worked in my favor in the past.  I think maybe I should just find someone who truly IS a good man, rather than someone who is just pretending to be.  I almost ruined my life marrying one of those.  I suppose in retrospect I thank him for ending the relationship.  Realizing he was going down and taking me with him, and thus ending the relationship was probably the most decent thing he did throughout our entire relationship.

I’m being far more verbose than I intended, so I’ve decided to make this blog two parts.  Hence, this is the end part one.  In part two I’ll move on to discuss that aggravating book and into more depth in regards to the differences in men and women.  Until next time!

Oh good. This is much easier to find than the actual office.

I feel the need to write this post, though I have grappled with the decision to do it, in order to inform people on both sides of the coin about what needing and getting public assistance is really like.  This comes after listening to Rush Limbaugh blather on about paying for medical bills out of pocket and how much money that saves and other guest hosts implying that there is just no reason to be poor in the United States of America.  It also follows many experiences at the welfare office and gross negligence I’ve witnessed there from both staff and the public.

The irony when it comes to Limbaugh is that on some level, I agree with him.  If he just weren’t such a self-righteous, arrogant bastard about it, I might have an easier time listening to his show.  He’s absolutely right in asserting that if you pay bills in full, you can often get a discount.

However, have you ever looked at a private pay bill and compared it to a bill/statement from your health insurance provider?  Note that on the provider’s statement, the price they pay is nothing close to what the actual bill or “cost” of the service was.  Often I’ve noticed that the insurance company gets a massive discount, often more than half off, compared to what you would be billed if you were paying privately.  Even if you get discounts for paying in full, I know they are not reduced by 50% or more.

No comment necessary.

So if, as Mr. Limbaugh seems to assert, the costs are much lower for the provider to handle bills with the individual because that reduces overhead, why are the insurance companies (which require more staff to deal with billing and such) getting greater discounts than the regular consumer could ever hope to receive?  Furthermore, how much are providers OVER-billing if they can afford to reduce the fee by more than half?  I don’t believe they are actively losing money by giving the insurer a lower rate, so why is the private pay fee so much higher, when indeed, that person isn’t using the proverbial middle man?

This of course doesn’t even touch on the subject of who can afford the luxury of paying bills in full.  Limbaugh does consistently make a viable point that if we paid out of pocket, we might not “waste” money going when we didn’t really need to go.  However, not many people can afford to pay such a large amount out of pocket when the private pay bills (when you can even find a physician who ACCEPTS private pay) are so inflated compared to actual costs.  I’m not trying to say providers don’t have a right a profit.  I want them to succeed and be motivated to provide the best care.  I just think this system could use some reform in this regard.  For example, why does my insurance company only have to pay $93 for a service for which I would have been billed $234?  That’s crazy!  Either the service cost $234 or it didn’t.

Before I wander too far off on this tangent, let me tie this back in to the original theme.  Exposing myself to these kinds of discussion were what made it so very hard for me to suck up my pride and spend more time and the Department of Job and Family Services here in Ohio.  I hate HATE that I have to subject myself to the humiliation (and criticism of the Limbaughs of the world) to apply for public assistance.  However, who is public assistance for if not the single mom who is still waiting for child support and trying to finish her degree so she can be self-sufficient and NOT NEED to be on public assistance anymore?  Was public assistance not intended to provide for someone who needs a hand-up, not a hand-out?

See...I'm just a half glass full kind of gal!

Unfortunately, when you go down this road, you are lumped into the same category of people who rightfully frustrate taxpayers and the redistribution of their earned income.  So not only do I feel humiliated by people who are in better places in life, but I am also subjected to HOURS of waiting with the very people who frustrate opponents of the current system and its flaws.

Believe me, I have witnessed plenty that supports the arguments of the very people who have made it so hard for me to seek the hand-up that I unfortunately need.  I am constantly appaulled at the “luxury” in which some people live while they collect public assistance.  People come in griping about their food stamps being late, all the while shouting on their expensive cell phones and with their fancy, shiny bling (jewelry).  They come in and neglect their children the whole while.  I guess to some those kids are just a ticket to more income.  I don’t know.  I suppose since I’m in there mixing company, I surely can’t judge.

The other day, I honestly overheard an entire Jerry Springer episode that another patron was having on her cell phone while waiting.  I know all about her unfaithful “baby daddy,” even to the degree that I know the woman’s name with whom he was being unfaithful.  I know about his children and the sex of their unborn child.  It’s all SO much more than I need or want to know, but it was impossible not to listen when someone was having this conversation on a cell phone right beside me.  But what was really most disturbing was the part of the phone conversation in which this person told the caller that he and his family were jealous of her.  The reason?  She didn’t work “no $8/hour job” because she wasn’t “ghetto like that.”  Excuse me?  Did I hear that correctly (unfortunately I did)?  Is it a higher status symbol to be collecting government assistance than it is to try to work for a living, even at a low wage?  Why is someone “too good” to work.

I assure you I am not “too good” to work.  I have had a great deal of trouble finding work, even at a very low wage because of restrictions with childcare.  I am alone with my son and I don’t have anyone to help watch him outside daycare hours, and especially in a down economy no one needs to hire a person who can’t be more flexible.  They have plenty of applicants who can work nights and weekends.  And let me just tell you what a blow it is to be rejected at Target…

This is a pretty actual visual depiction of what my life feels like from time to time.

So I suppose the moral of this post is this:  We have valid reason to be upset with many of the functions of the current system, but keep in mind that not everyone who uses it abuses it.  So let’s not make it harder on the ones who are trying to do the right thing and make themselves self-sufficient.  In fact, perhaps we can appropriately assign some blame on the half of the population who apparently feel that they can spread the fruits of their loins and then tuck tail and run.

It has crossed my mind frequently that my son is actually much luckier to have no father in his life than to have one whose lack of character is evident in his lack of interest.  One thing I certainly do not want to raise my son to be is a deserter who doesn’t cherish his own offspring or take appropriate responsibility for his actions (and no it doesn’t count as taking responsibility if you only begin to cooperate when the court mandates it).  I always say, “Thank goodness being an asshole isn’t genetic!”

I have no intention of getting into the debate of whether or not one should choose to be a single parent, though those are out there, and at growing rates.  I’m approaching this solely from the perspective of a situational single parents–that is, parents who are single parents because their circumstances mandated it, not by choice.  The statistics seem to consistently report over the years that of children to a single parent, children living with a single mother (the majority of them) are more likely to live in poverty than the smaller number who live with a single father.  In addition, the discrepances among single parent families among different races is disturbing as well, and make one wonder why?

According to the 2005 U.S. census data, only 16% of non-hispanic, “white” children live with a single mom.  Among hispanic children, the number jumps to 25%.  But a whopping %50 percent of black children live with a single mother.  Only 10% of children of Asian decent do.  So what could be causing these trends?  What cultural differences exist that lead to these results?  I’m getting myself distracted from my original purpose, but sometimes I find that when I write I end up in an entirely different place than when I began.  I digress.

Regardless of race or income level, we need to find ways to raise our boys to be the kind of men who will never leave a woman in the same situation their fathers left us.  In this way, they probably are better off without their specific sires having to strong an impact on their upbringing.  I think there are several important qualities we need to instill in our boys (and our girls too of course).  I encourage people to add to this list in their comments.

• Don’t be selfish.  A person who deserts his children is clearly looking out for no one but himself (or herself), regardless of how he (or she) justifies the decision.  If we can instill in our kids the importance of putting others’ needs before our own, I think we’re half way there.
• Value life.  Teaching our kids to respect human life, strive to diminish human suffering, and understand that babies are a blessing, not a punishment or a burden will cement a mindset that cherishes and welcomes new life–even when that life comes as an unintended surprise.
• Understand what family means.  I was lucky to be raised in a family that supported me in all my endeavors and made me feel like a special, wanted, and treasured person, and you don’t have to have two parents to do that!  Family doesn’t have to be equated with blood relations and it doesn’t have to be as large as mine to count.  Everyone needs a support system, and as my friend Daniel said recently, no one can survive long without one.  I believe humans are gregarious by nature.  We’re designed to be around others, and part of being in a community is both to reap the benefits of having others’ support, and also to be there to support others.  There is nothing more fulfilling.
• Find joy in everyday life.  Life is hard enough.  It’s unpredictable and full of challenges.  Somedays I think Job had nothing on me.  I think mostly it’s up to us to find ways to enjoy life.  If we can find contentment in the things that we have and the thing we can control, then we may not be constantly unfulfilled.  This isn’t to say we shouldn’t strive for improvement, just that we should look for reasons to be content too.  Ironically, I think that one of the best ways to find joy in life’s little moments is to try to watch it through the eyes of a child.  Everything is fresh and invigorating.

I think I may use this to explain his father's absence to my son one day...

I know there are many other important things to teach our children–money management, job skills, reading, writing, arythmetic–but I think if we start with the above concept as a foundation, we are setting our kids up with a sound moral compass and the foundation to build a happy life.  The rest is details.

Fat or skinny, failure is something with which I'm just not okay.

Failure isn’t defined by a lack of success at any given effort, rather by that time when you decide to stop trying.  At least that’s what I’ve always believed. 

But is quitting something, or at least the way in which you’re doing something, always synonymous with failure?  I suppose by definition if you fail to succeed and gain the results you were seeking, then you have indeed failed.  Then the question becomes, is that necessarily a bad thing?  Or is failure really just a matter of perspective? 

When I start to feel pretty down about my own life, I’ve found that reading some of Thomas Edison’s words can be quite inspiring. As someone whos is viewed as a great success given his achievements in invention in the 19th century in such as the lightbulb, the phonograph, and the first motion picture camera, just to name a few. 

He once said, “I find out what the world needs, and then I go ahead and invent it.”  I love the way he makes it sound as simple as that, and perhaps for someone of his genius it was, but I don’t think so.  This is also the man who emphesized over and over again that hard work is what really gains success.  In one famous quote, he said, “Genius is 1% inspiration, and 99% perspiration.” 

Have you ever had someone say to someone else, “Gosh, I just don’t know how you do it?” in regards to a person who has a tough time and keeps on trucking?  To them I think Edison might say again, “If we did all the things we are capable of doing, we would literally astound ourselves.”  I’ve found that to be true.  People who seem superhuman aren’t really super.  They’re just people who work hard and don’t quit trying.  Again the connection here seems to be hard work, something to which these days many people seem averse.  However, reading through some Edison, people were just as averse to hard work two centuries ago as they are today.  Edison said, “Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.” 

I wish at the end of my rope I found a really cute kitten...

Very few things are certain in life, save for death and taxes, as they say.  One thing that is absolutely true in addition, is that if you quit you can’t succeed. 

This doesn’t mean that you can’t regroup and redirect.  This doesn’t mean you can’t try a different method.  But completely changing course, well I guess to me, that means quitting.  And the more I write, the more I come to understand that quitting does equal failure.  However, you don’t fail UNTIL you quit.  So as long as a person keeps trudging forth, success is looming out there somewhere.  

From an optimistic prospective, in one of his most famous quotes (though often quoted in some different variation), Edison said, ”I have not failed; I’ve just found 10,000 ways that don’t work.”  So instead of referring to our small losses as failures, why don’t we instead call them setbacks, or even better, learning experiences.  Each time I interview for a job I don’t get (AGAIN), or attempt a new recipe, or don’t clean my house when I said I was going to do so, instead of calling that a failure, I should rather call it a learning experience to make the next interview better, or a good way not to make meatballs, or quality time spent with my son (instead of cleaning the house).  None of those things are failures are they?

In closing, I think I’ll remind myself (and that’s really what this blog as been…a pep talk to myself), that minor daily setbacks do not equal failure, because the larger life goal remains the same.  It is only when I give up on that larger goal that I have truly failed.  To make myself feel even better, I’ll leave us with a favorite line from Sir Winston Churchhill:

Never give in–never, never, never, never–in nothing great or small, large or petty, never give in except to convictions of honor and good sense.  Never yield to force.  Never yield to the apparently overpowering might of the enemy.

Accident waiting to happen!

Boys must be bloody stitches and noses, leading moms to psychosis. 

So my boy had his first bloody nose this weekend.  I say first, because he’s fearless and a real wild man, so I expect it will not be his first bloody injury.  However, I imagine other parents out there can understand why I cried about it longer than he did.  Those five minutes that nose bled were probably some of the most terrifying of my life.  Is there internal damage?  What if it doesn’t stop bleeding?  Will we have to go to the emergency room (because you know accidents never happen during doctors business hours)?  How could this have happened?  I was right there with him!

My wild man was in the bathtub, where of course I never leave his side.  Unfortunately, he seems to think standing and walking in the bathtub are part of the splashing fun.  I even had a grib on his arm, telling him we needed to sit on our bottoms in the bathtub because standing isn’t safe.  What happens?  Grandma and grandpa’s bathtub doesn’t have a bathtub (something I assure you will be immediately rectified) and in Mr. Independent’s stubborn efforts to get away from mom and do what he wants, he slips and falls, knocking his face on the side of the tub coming down.  It happened so fast, and yet the incident keeps replaying in slow motion in my mind.

I give myself the award for that moment Sunday night.

I can’t help but to feel a little bit of a failure.  I know accidents happen, but as his only parent, it is my job to keep him safe, and in that moment, I couldn’t.  It is a helpless feeling.  And I know I’m completely overreacting.  This is surely not the worst, or the last, accident he will have, but it was terrifying nonetheless.

Really I think my overreaction about this small nosebleed is perhaps symptomatic of the massive sense of responsibility that being a parent implies, particularly for a single parent, who doesn’t have that additional support.  The magnitude of the role is overwhelming at times.  There is a wonderful person who is entirely dependent upon me for his needs and safety.  That’s a heavy load.  And it’s one that all parents carry, single or otherwise. 

As parents, we have the most important job in the world.  Not only are we responsible for meeting the basic needs of our children–food, shelter, clothing– but we provide them with love and emotional nourishment as well.  We all know that trauma from childhood can leave deep scars and carry well into adulthood and throughout our lives.  How can we, as parents, avoid wounding our children so? 

My little guy won’t remember this nosebleed.  He forgot it about ten minutes after it happened.  He nursed and cuddled with mommy and all was good in his world.  If only life were that simple for the rest of us.  As traumatic as that was, I know what is most important in his life, is to make sure he is loved and nurtured.  If that means leaving the housework and neglecting homework, then so be it.  I often say that he is the best thing I’ve ever done.  And I mean it.  I worry every day about how I am going to explain his father’s dessertion to him without him feeling rejected and abandoned.  And I don’t know the answers yet.  All I can do is love him. 

You can't quite hug them tight enough...

Finally I know what it means to love someone so much hurts…to love someone more than life itself.  There really aren’t words appropriate to describe a mother’s love for her child.

Even the cat has to keep from blurting out what she's thinking...

Does anyone else ever have those t.v. sitcom moments where you mentally separate from your body and imagine saying what you’d really like to say in response to someone or something, before responding in real life with the mature, appropriate thing to say?  Or is that just me and Ally McBeal? 

Sometimes the things going through my head are just funny.  Sometimes things go through my head that aren’t nice.  And sometimes, like today, I find myself feeling the need to write a response to a lawyer.  I’m not going to write what I really said, but rather what I would have like to say. 

***Disclaimer:  Sarcasm overfloweth.  The following is intended to amuse and in no way represents my actual mature, adult reactions to life’s more troublesome situations.

I am not up to date on local rules and laws in all states (or any states for that matter), but recently it became necessary for me to do a little research into some laws in the great state of Maryland.  So, thank heaven for google.  I found the laws for which I was looking, and naturally, because it’s legal jargon, I was left wanting.  In fact, the rules seemed very vague to me, indicating that a party could demand production from another party any information that they deem relevant to the case, and said other party is required to provide it, as long as it is not privileged information, even if it is easily accessible or a matter of public record.  Sometimes I wonder if the original party doesn’t just want to make things difficult for my party.  Then I think, "Silly…of COURSE they want to make things difficult for your party.  That is in fact, what they have been trying to do for some time, in an attempt to get by with paying as little child support as possible."  Clearly I’m still angry about the implication that I’m some kind of golddigger because I think my son’s father should step up to his responsibilities without having a gun held to his head.

I digress.  This all comes in response to some requests I received for production of documents and for responses to interrogatories.  Some of the documents are routine and expected.  They want more detailed information about my financial background and work history because they’re trying to prove that I went back to school in order to be more impoverished and thus get more child support.  So they want all my tax documents dating back to January 1, 2005.  They want a detailed work history of any jobs I’ve had since that date, with salary information, and reasons for leaving.  I got tickled as I spent several hours compiling all this nonsense, because I realized how little a case they have against me. 

They also requested some more interesting items, such as any personal calendar, diary, or journel I have kept since 2005.  Now I’ve never kept a diary or journal; indeed the closest I’ve ever come is blogging these past couple months.  They also want my resume, which at this point is redundant since they already required I write a separate detailed work history.  In addition, they asked for all my pay stubs dating back to 2005.  Because I know you all have all your pay stubs for the past four years too…so that one should be easy.  I would also like to remind you in all this that the child in question is not quite 14 months old.  They also want all the receipts for anything I’ve bought for my son.  I prefer to think of purchases based on percentages.  I’ve paid for 100% of the things my son has needed thus far, and your client has paid for 0%.  Those are much clearer terms than adding up receipts that no one in his or her right mind saves anyway.  It’s ludicrous.  The most logical thing they requested was a copy of his birth certificate. 

So on the “interrogatories”…

Q.  Identify yourself.
A.  Really?  I mean, I know the law says I have to provide things even if they’re public knowledge, but I’m pretty sure you already have this information since you mailed me the damned letter.

Q.  Identify the child.  Include in your answer the date and exact address of his or her birth and whether other children were born from the same pregnancy.
A.  Again I say, really?  I’m pretty sure you already have this information or this entire process would be obsolete.  Furthermore, I say if you wanted to know this information maybe you shouldn’t have abandoned us whiel I was pregnant and told me never to contact you again.

(This next one is my favorite)
Q.   Describe all facts and circumstances that form the basis of your belief that defendent is the father of the child.  Include in your answer a statement of the time and location of any sexual encounter with defendent ator about the start of the period of gestation of the child identified in the previous interrogatory.
A.  I don’t believe the defendent is his father.  I know.  And quit accusing me of sleeping around.  Do you want a description of the positions we used too?  Maybe how many orgasms?  Any other details?  Pervert lawyer.  I delighted in describing details of this one in my real letter ot the lawyer, including talking about my menstrual cycle, because we all know how men love that.

Q. State whether you are currently pursuing formal education.  If you are, identify the name and address of the school, the classes in which you are enrolled, the degree that you are pursuing…your current class schedule…(this one went on and on).
A.  You know this info too or you wouldn’t be trying to prove I’m back in school to be poor on purpose.  I’m not really very comfortable giving you a detailed schedule of where I’ll be every second of the day.  You may find this hard to believe, but I don’t trust you.

Q.  Itemize in detail your current actual monthly expenses for the child.
A.  This question is ridiculous and irrelevant.  You have to pay regardless of how frugal I am.

Q.  State whether the child is covered by health insurance.
A.  Rest assured, he is not being covered by yours.  This much is true.  But I’m glad you’re expressing such concern for his health now.  Very fatherly.

Q.  Are you now, or have you ever been a member of the communist party?
A.  What?  No…okay I made this one up.

This is ridiculous! Terrorists get better treatment than this! I'm complaining to Nancy Pelosi!

The previous list was not inclusive concerning all the ridiculous requests for information that they sent, rather just some of the ones that got under my skin the most.  Please feel free to include your own sarcastic, incredulous responses in comments!  I’ll look forward to reading them. 

It's not a bird or a plane...it's Super Mom!

For anyone who has ever wondered how I do it all (people have asked), the simple answer is that…well…I don’t.  Trying to have a full productive rehearsal with my one year old near is next to impossible.  For example, this Sunday at church I was singing a solo, and I met early with the organist to rehearse.  My boy, like many toddlers, doesn’t have a real interest or talent in actually being still for any period of time unless he is deeply asleep, so by the end of the rehearsal I had him tucked under my arm like a sack of potatoes.  Sorry Dr. Peeler, I have no idea what that does to my body alignment!  Lord knows your concentration is a bit affected as well, as those little chubby legs kick and wiggle in an attempt to extract their possessor from his mother’s grip, and it probably comes as no surprise to anyone that you’ve missed your entrance. 

As singers, we try to rehearse daily, because as any athlete (the singing athlete in this case), it is essential that we keep our muscles and our instruments in top shape.  Singing is hard work and we need to be ready when performance time comes.  My routine used to involve about fifteen  to twenty minutes of vocalizing, followed by some repertoire work, and then a “warm down” period, the latter step being one that too many singers often ignore.  I used to aim for about an hour.  It might look something like this:

1. 10:00-10:10:  Warm-up (buzzes, trills, hums, etc…)
2. 10:10-10:20:  Scales, agility and resonance exercises
3. 10:20-10:50:  Repertoire work (work trouble passages, rehearse with accompaniment)
4. 10:50-11:00:  Warm-down (more buzzes, trills, hums, and speech exercises to get back in to speaking range)

You can do more than you'd think with a little person attached to your leg!

So all singers out there, that’s pretty routine, right?  That was rehearsal before baby.  However, to other singing moms, hasn’t that baby changed your life in more ways than you ever could have imagined?  Here is what an hour long rehearsal looks like after baby:

1. 9:55-10:00:  Get baby settled with toys, books, and lots of things to keep him busy while you sing.
2. 10:00-10:05:  Warm-up (buzzes, trills, hums).
3. 10:05-10:10:  Detatch baby from your leg.  Find something else shiny to catch his interest. 
4. 10:10-10:15:  Continue warm-up.
5. 10:15-10:20:  Chase after baby, who has run from the room with your pencil.
6. 10:20-10:25:  Play scales and attempt to sing along with baby on lap pounding keys.
7. 10:25-10:30:  Go get cloth and clean drool off piano. 
8. 10:30-10:35:  Chase after baby again, who has grabbed your score.
9. 10:35-10:40:  Get tape and repair Rossini with tape.  Make sticky ball out of tape to distract baby.
10. 10:40-10:45:  Work rapid melismatic passage from Cenerentola.
11. 10:45-10:50:  Chase after baby again, who is trying to eat tape ball.  Throw tape away.
12. 10:50-10:55:  Resume chasing baby, who in your distracted state, grabbed Rossini again and took off.  Tape Rossini again.
13. 10:55-11:00:  Give up.  “Sing Wheels on the Bus” instead.

I heart you too...

How I’m supposed to get a recital ready like this, I have no idea; regardless, I’m going to make it happen.  I’m going to get this DMA if it kills me!!!